There is beauty in doing nothing. Find it.

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Photo credit:http://shorturl.at/jlAR1

4 mins

What do you do then? When you are used to being or acting busy, but you do not have to anymore? Do you lie that you are indeed busy? Do you pick your phone up and text away your idleness pretending like you just got a new IPhone? I mean, what do you really do under such circumstances. Do you even have to do anything in the first place? How would the “World” perceive you in that state of being still? Come to think of it, when did we start caring so much about public opinion? These questions kept popping up in my mind in the first days of the #StayHome/social-distancing campaign. Staring at my 5-year old computer, which stood tall on my reading table, I thought of the next steps, of my plan to adjust to the changes that life had wrath on us. On the first day, I barely got anything done. The second day, I tried reading a book, but I hardly made it past the first page.

How would the “World” perceive you in that state of being still?

For some strange reason I felt like I was supposed to do something bigger and better, you know. More like writing hundreds of lines of code, building a robot, reviewing some literature about energy systems. Nothing could work at all. I would start each of those activities but lose morale after a minute or two. Is it discipline that I lacked? I wondered; but I still woke up at 6am to the sound of my alarm, like nothing had changed. At this point, I realized it was an inner battle, an attempt to convince my mind to transition from one state to another and accept the new norm. The burden of guilt you feel when previously perceived productivity is turned around can be quite overwhelming. You may even find yourself cleaning the house twice or even thrice.

The burden of guilt you feel when previously perceived productivity is turned around can be quite overwhelming.

Well, I finally decided to do what I do in such times; I pressed pause on the whole movie, took my time to try and resolve my dilemma; why I had this restless feeling. Then it struck me like a lightning bolt; this probably dates back to my early years, the last decade of the 20th Century (don’t overthink it, it’s the years preceding 2000). My mother never let me stay in bed in the morning. This lady essentially woke me up to get ready for…. I honestly do not know what, but she just did it every day, unabated. She could grab that blanket like an eagle snatching a biddy. Unlike eagles, she’d drop off the beddings in the living room. A few years elapsed and I moved to my Uncle’s place; it was just the same; though without the blanket part – in this area of the world visitors are treated better until the 4th day of the visit.

She could grab that blanket like an eagle snatching a biddy.

I later asked him why he was so hellbent on making my sleep-experience a nightmare, to which he responded; with a calm voice as though he had examined my future already, “Tonie, there is no need to stay in bed when everyone[I am] is up. You have got to keep yourself busy as a man; otherwise, you might become a nuisance in the future.” In retrospect, this merely meant that staying in bed was a sign of passivity, unproductivity and could mean failure in life. Later, I started taking on tasks at home, doing unnecessary chores and all. At the end of these, I could go – let’s say sneak, and watch TV. Sneak because watching TV was part of the unproductive activities that had no place in my parents’ house.

Tonie, there is no need to stay in bed when everyone[I am] is up. You have got to keep yourself busy as a man; otherwise, you might become a nuisance…

Just a knock on the door would push me into some semblance to be doing something productive; there is this one time I grabbed a flat iron and went to the sink! My mother wondered why I was washing the flat iron. Fast forward to my first job; I noticed that every time the supervisor came by, everyone would rush to their desks and feign to be getting some work done. It was not dependent on the task they had at hand, or if they had just completed their assignments, they always wanted to stay busy. The dramatic playout reminded me a lot about my childhood and everything wrong with the system – I and you, my dear reader, are part of. How did we all get to this point? That even when there is nothing to do, we feel the urge to pretend to be busy?

How did we all get to this point? That even when there is nothing to do, we feel the urge to pretend to be busy?

Society set a tune, and we all danced! It didn’t matter whether it was good or bad. If you are not doing anything, you are not progressing, and hence you are on the road to nowhere; this is utterly wrong. What we are not told is that being busy does not equate to being productive, you are not told that you could do more in less time if you made room to rest creatively. What do firefighters do when there are no fires? How often do fires happen anyway? Not often. Imagine this, someone trains to be a firefighter for a significant part of their lifetime and then they get to work only once or twice a week! What do they do with the rest of the time? Probably write books, music and movies, lift weights, do sports; you would think. How many prominent writers, musicians or sportsmen do you know that are firefighters? Not many, right?

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

Norman Schwarzkopf

The point is, you do not have to pretend to be busy, you should understand that it’s okay to pause, and you should not feel bad about it. But also understand that in this nothingness, you have an opportunity to prepare for the things you have always wanted to become; you can train your mind to perceive and be those things you want to be. It was Norman Schwarzkopf who said; The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. You want to be a leader, look for those characteristics leaders have; thoughtfulness, compassion, kindness, etc.; start with your family and practice those aspects. Do not beat yourself up for having too much time on your hands, whatever it is you want to be, just stay ready. Staying still and thinking about it in silence is part of the process.

Where do we go from here? Will things ever be the same?

tok7 Comments

3 minutes

Looking at me through the corner of her eye, she said, I doubt it will get any easier. In deep thought, this sounded like a voice from a sunken place down the dark gutters of a deserted Kampala City. With zero buzzes, no lights, zero street children, zero waste, zero boda-bodas, let’s just say; zero everything. The voice served as an awakening from a dreaded dream. It aroused a reflection, on the reality of a life, my family and I once knew! An experience we thought was hard but threw us a curveball as proof that we previously had it better off! A life where seeking hope was the answer to most of our worries. We’ve always had hope, faith and confidence, but now we strive for such.

We’ve always had hope, faith and confidence but now we strive for such.

A life filled with racing thoughts on who had to do school runs; is it I to pick the kids, the house helper or her – my wife. The weekends when I’d stay in the house when I thought to step out was indeed a waste of time because I always found something to do on my computer! The luxury of that choice is not mine to have!! Not anymore. In the words of Thomas Paine – “What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.” A life where the chicken pet could walk around the house freely while making that sound of – “you will have me one day but not today”. Well, not anymore, we ate it in the second week of quarantine – it was the last day, in celebration of the end! Or so we thought!

What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.

Thomas Paine

Guess what? We were wrong; 21 more days were added, precisely the same amount of time it takes a chick to hatch. It turns out we ate that chicken for nothing after all. Poor bird! Twenty-one more days of the same experience of the 14 days! Maybe even worse – ridiculous!! You get out of bed to dress up for the couch, really! Who ever thought that we’d ever see a time like this? I must confess, I had a lot of crazy ideas in my childhood; like waiting for God to drop some toys for my brothers and I. There was even a time I wished I could skip school, to stay in bed and curl up. I wished there were no schools but only chocolate and ice cream supermarkets. 

You get out of bed to dress up for the couch…

In hindsight, my mind was never really ready for an idea as crazy as “just wake up and sleep”. There are no more good mornings from most members of my household; I don’t even mind them like I used to. I just choose to understand them, I mean if I can’t differentiate the days anymore, how do I expect them to distinguish the times? Also, I feel like there’s too much going on already, a missed good morning can just be allowed to slide.  See, this is not the time we throw in all our cards. Nope. This is not the time to despair. We have to understand that this is a new experience for every one of us. We have sailed for so long, but none of us has ever encountered such rough waters. We’ve got to hold on to each other, learn and paddle through together. 

We have sailed for so long, but none of us has ever encountered such rough waters.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, with my head bowed and hands holding the counter end; I listened to her musings, I knew that what she said wasn’t a question, but I felt like I owed her something. A word, at least. A statement of hope to show solidarity and comfort her. After a momentary silence, I said to her it won’t get any easier, in fact, I am not even sure things will ever go back to the way they were. One thing I’m sure of is, there will be brighter days ahead, and most importantly, we will emerge stronger. I believe this with every drop of blood that runs through my veins. She turned her face to me and hugged me tightly! Alas! I woke up as single as I was when I drifted off to sleep, with one of the couch cushions in my bosom. Only to realize it was 1 pm and the sunlight had found its way through the blinder spaces in my window. Albeit awake, I re-echoed the words and sentiments in my daydream.

We will be stronger!

To the next person on set

tok10 Comments

3 mins

*Indistinct conversations, soundcheck, director signalling to the cameraman, lights up….big hot rim light adjusted, Camera rolling.., *

Director: All set! Aaa…..nd Action!

Actress: *In deep thought, while munching a sandwich*, I need to take a break from this meal…

Director: Cut!! We’ve talked about this; it’s “I need to take a break from this life not meal….” Got it?

Actress: Yes. It’s just that food gets in my way of thinking, but I have got it this time. I have got it. 

Director: Alright. Shot 2. Scene 7. Take one………..Action!!

What if the entire premise of our existence is a storyline. A narration whose building blocks we gather along the way as we meet these different characters, we call friends/strangers. And, unlike Hollywood, Ugawood, Nollywood, Bollywood movies, these our stories are not pre-written. Characters don’t look anything fancy but instead have a thing or two that makes them fit the roles in our real-time movie scenes called life. The unspoken truth is, each one of us is an actor/actress in someone’s movie. Imagine this, you grow up from a place X, and then at age 20 you meet these amazing people at school, taxi, church or bar – It could be anywhere – remember, the script is not pre-written. 

The unspoken truth is, each one of us is an actor/actress in someone’s movie.

At first, you connect with many on a courtesy level – acquaintances. Then the circle reduces to a finger number and finally to one or two on a personal level, isn’t this akin to finding characters for a real movie? Maybe not. You move on with your life, along with the ‘personal level friend’ you connected with a while ago. Years down the road life gets serious; both of you take different directions. Could be work, school or more life, that would eventually lead to the unfortunate parting of ways. Unbeknownst to you, both, this starts as I will always be in touch and, like a silhouette in the dying evening sun, it fades away.

…..like a silhouette in the dying evening sun, it fades away.

You then meet new characters to fill those roles you had no clue needed filing in your life. It all seems like a deja vu. Just like with the old characters, the process resumes, and the cycle continues. We’re humans, and we can’t deny how dynamic we all are. We meet different people, and for each, we share the parts of our lives lived earlier before we met them. Sometimes we tell ourselves; God, I wish I had met this person prior! If this speaks to you, you’re not alone. But I want you always to remember that the timing is just perfect. You only have to make their role in the current section on your storyline count.  Our lives are amazingly interwoven in unknown ways, and until we meet, the dots that need connecting seem nonexistent.

Our lives are amazingly interwoven in unknown ways, and until we meet, the dots that need connecting seem nonexistent.

Who you connect with will inevitably change the stories you tell tomorrow, and ultimately the role you play in writing and telling your story. The parts we live without the new entrants to our stories are the small subplots to this movie called life, and we choose how and when to share these with the new characters. This lays the foundation for our next subplot, and the cameras start to roll the moment we meet. It could be a job interview; it could be a date; it all goes back to how we frame the narrative of the life we lived before. The better we get at telling this, the more connections or lasting impressions we would make.Telling stories is not quite an easy feat, but as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

Who you connect with will inevitably change the stories you tell tomorrow..

To quote Miles Davis –“It took me years to learn how to play like myself”. Truth is it really takes a whole lot of time and energy to learn to do things our way. Most times, we do it like our favourites, mentors or guides. This explains why people say “I cook like my mum”. You have got to learn to tell your story, it might take time but the more you shoot your shot at it, the better you will get. It isn’t easy, you may sound like Obama at first or even your dad, but with time, you will carve out your mastery. For stories are the invisible bridges that connect the indescribable distant worlds of Humans.

Can you say No with zero chills, huh? I bet you can’t!

tok4 Comments

3 min read

But how does one say No without being offensive?

So, recently it dawned on me that I was never taught to say No. This comes after several attempts to understand the guilt I feel after I have successfully crossed the No zone. Indeed, I see your sad face too trying to explain why you just said no to someone, so I know, I’m not alone in this. How could it be that, of the plethora of things I was taught, saying No wasn’t one of them? Could I have been absent-minded when this was being taught? Was it at home or at school?  If it was school, do I not deserve some sort of compensation for my wasted fees? But then again, how much did I learn from school that I still put in practice? If it’s a refund for my fees, like a social security fund, then I guess I can claim my entire tuition.  Whose fault is it? I, my parents, or school? (By the way, it is very tempting to always find someone to blame for our misfortunes but, remember, our growth as humans principally depends on our ability to stand and face our demons).

….it is very tempting to always find someone to blame for our misfortunes but, remember, our growth as humans principally depends on our ability to stand and face our demons.

These reflections set my brain on a roller coaster which led me to question my character. This individual who feels like they owe an explanation for every successful “No” they utter to someone; is it a weakness, strength or kindness? I mean, life is already hard, if one has to worry about the “Nos” they give, it’s probably right to say it’s a weakness. If you have failed many times like me, perhaps you will agree on this, weaknesses are in most cases representative of the level of know-how and timing.  Like ‘counting knowledge’, psst!!! Who does that? It is incredibly difficult to quantify the intangibles. We make it easier by breaking it down into measurables, e.g. for knowledge we have skills – skilled, unskilled and semi-skilled. This way, one can critically identify that which they need to develop.

If you have failed many times like me, perhaps you will agree on this, weaknesses are in most cases representative of the level of know-how and timing.

I can now rephrase my opening statement to read; “The No skill does not currently exist in my skillset ”.  I am definitely unskilled in the art of saying No. It’s one of the skills I am learning now. I can share some of the classes I take to practice. I walk to the mirror and tell myself “No Tonie, No man, No please” – I say this with a straight face. This is probably crazy but trust me, I have started seeing some results already. No kidding, I have. The other lesson is saying No to myself by delaying gratification. Trust me, if one can thoughtfully say no to themselves, telling it to others should be an issue of yesterday.

The other lesson is saying No to myself by delaying gratification.

The point is, we shouldn’t be compelled to say Yes out of fear of not having a reason to explain our decisions. Why? Because it is a No, it is short and precise, plus you don’t need an explanation. Why must one be put on the altar of sharing gory details of their personal and private life just to make another person feel satisfied with their No? It’s really mind boggling when you think about it.  I picture how we got here, most of us were undoubtedly raised in homes and communities where lack was a common phenomenon. This experience taught us to have a neighbour-reliant syndrome – which is not a bad thing en passant. The only problem with this kind of mentality is, we always help our neighbours/friends low-key thinking that one day they’ll return the favour which is not necessarily the case, and it shouldn’t.

…most of us were undoubtedly raised in homes and communities where lack was a common phenomenon.

We should help out of love and not in anticipation of returns; otherwise, it becomes a business. Having an attachment to this idea, makes us feel like every No should be substantiated so that just in case tables turn, we have a safe and fallback position. Quite honestly, this is a good way of looking at things because everyone wants to have a safe fallback position. The challenge is, it sets you up for a play-safe kind of personality, one that is predisposed to fearing risks. Guess what fear for risk does, no development. You see what not saying No does! You, my friend, learn to say No without an explanation and with a smile. You can do this. Every News is not good, but we never see anchors smiling! Maybe not.  

About starting..

tok4 Comments
The world is waiting to hear your voice..

Finding your voice

Dear world,

Today I have decided to start my blog. This is the first article. MAGIC!!! Anyway, after a fight with many voices in my head and from friends, I have finally won. Hooooraaay!! Now, to be honest, I don’t have everything figured out on how this blog would be managed but but…..isn’t that life anyway? Did you ever think of how you would go through your 16th year on earth? Did you have to figure out 17 before you made it to your 17th Birthday? If you did, my friend, you are the uncelebrated Einstein of this generation. You don’t have to have everything figured out to start. The reason why most of us fail before we start is, we want to have everything in place before taking off! Taking off?? Are you a plane? Listen, if you had it all figured out, why are you even starting in the first place? Hmmm!

You don’t have to have everything figured out to start.

Like I was saying, this is my first article. Nothing serious really but one crucial thing you should never underestimate is the power of words and ideas. These things live on beyond our lifetimes. I am not the only one who has quoted people in my day-to-day communications. Maybe you will also be quoted one day. Something like “You don’t have to have everything figured out to start” – Unknown. See, this is what happens if you don’t push your ideas out there. People will quote you as an “UNKNOWN”. No one will read something and be like; Unknown saw this happening 100 years ago – Never! But there’s something good with unknown. Your words can still live on from generation to generation.

Your words can still live on from generation to generation.

Worse than unknown are the ideas that are never tested or expressed. Words that are never said. Places that are never visited. People that are never met. Songs that are never sung or listened to and finally, a life that is never lived. These things certainly do matter. While you drowse off or go to your favourite eating place for lunch, remember this, you do matter. And so, does the waiter or waitress serving you. And when one tries to gag you into silence, show them kindness by reminding them of how better they can do. Remind them that their words and ideas matter, and if they could use them better, the world wouldn’t be waiting for the second coming of Jesus. Because all we need, we already have. We just have to find it.

Just use your words not because you feel the urge to but because this world was created on words.

To you, my friend reading this, remind yourself this. All the time. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Stick it on your fridge door. It is easy to forget this because simple things are easily forgettable. But also, life is very swift. A lot is going on. As you are trying to fix this another thing breaks. Days seem long yet years very short. Simple things are simple but not to everyone. You don’t know who will read your words. You have no idea how they will affect them. Remarkably, you can never fathom what it would mean to them knowing that – someone out there thinks like them.

Just use your words, not because you feel the urge to, but because this world was created on words. Right there, lies your power.